People are hilarious.

What does it say about a person when they are riding on the subway and seeing something saying, “That is blog-worthy,” or Twitter-worthy, or any other social network…worthy?

Earlier today, I saw a little girl wearing an Alaskan Malamute head for a hat. The sides of the hat, what must have been sheared off the shoulders of this dog, dangled down to this little girl’s shoulders. Otherwise, she was dressed like any other girl in January, besides the Malamute head. I couldn’t help but stare in horror. She barked at me and I thought to myself, This is going on my blog if I survive this. How did this girl, she couldn’t have been older than seven having obviously been raised by wolves, end up on the Flatbush 5 train bound for Manhattan? She barked again. I took out my cell-phone, snapping a photo of her. And yeah she pulled a knife in reaction and slowly tried to go for me. I got right up and as I was backing away she started snarling at me and I started taking more pictures as I had every intention of luring her to the median between cars and pushing over the divider. Because I’m a savage like that. I’m an Adirondack man and I will savage you. (No, I won’t. All I could think about was putting this on my blog and how many notes I’d get as a result, amirite? But really: how sad is it that my first inclination is not abject fear at this Wild Child who is trying to cut me, but my blog). So I lure her to the median and I totally get her knife hand when she bares her RAZOR SHARP TEETH that have been filed down to little knives like shark’s teeth. She bites into my arm as I try to throw her over the divider.

A homeless guy that smells like cat feces (I would know, I have eleventeen of the little rascals) helps me with subduing this girl. He’s dressed in a Russian General’s Hat, and what looks like World War 2 fatigues. He flashes me a bright white smile full of fake teeth and he said, “I’m Captain Jack Harkness, you have ta watch yourself, Wild Children like cold dark places.” And he slips two fingers into the child’s hipbone, causing her to curl up and fall asleep right there on the car bridge. I give him my thanks and my card, which displays my title as a master of Bartitsu.

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7 Notes

  1. wtfcupcakes said: i appreciate how men from the ADK know how to handle wild children.
  2. davepress posted this